So, here's another one of those things you do when you got nothing else to do and happen to be off work. Boredom is the mother of creativity (is it? not sure I made that up or am quoting it. Whatever)
A week ago or so my bum started to hurt. The pain got worse until I decided to consult a doctor on friday. The minute he'd finished staring at my poor behind, he jumped up and said "OPERATION! as soon as possible, now maybe!!"
Hold on, that can't be so! images of me in the lithotomy position (same one that pregnant women are in at labour!) with a surgeon sticking a knife up my arse started flashing before my eyes.
*SIGH* no matter how I tried to convince the damn medic he just wouldn't hear my excuses. "But I need my bum to function properly" I say, "but your bum is NOT functioning properly, needs fixing!!" and so on.
Come Saturday (that's a weekend here you know, spent in hospital) and I find myself in a hospital bed, wearing a theatre gown, and staring at the ceiling as someone is pushing my bed down to theatres.
The man who was going to put me to sleep (anaesthetist for those in the know) introduced himself and told me all about himself and how he was going to make me feel nothing. (I'm SURE his name was Grim Reaper and that he was explaining how I was going to die, mentioning lights in tunnels and other things).
With nothing else to do than stare at the ceiling (again), I felt a sharp prick in my left hand and Grim saying "I've just put a needle in". Then he said "ok, you're going to go to sleep (die!) now".
My face started tingling. You know how your legs fall asleep when you sit on the loo for a long time, it was that kind of tingling.
Then nothing. Quite alot of nothing. Just black. No thoughts, no dreams. No tossing and turning. I think it's the deepest sleep I've had since ages ago. It was so serene and calm and quiet and dark. Still, it was nothing.
"Ali, you're waking up now" was the next thing I heard from an unknown feminine voice (angel maybe?). Just managing to open my eyes, I realised this was an angel dressed like a nurse, with a concerned smile on her face. Eyes closed again.
"It was just a small collection of blood. He drained it for you. You're in recovery now"
And that's when it struck me. The PAIN! I was suddenly hit by this red-hot poker up my arse and for some strange reason, another red-hot one down my throat!
Angel the nurse then told me about some tube in my mouth which she was removing. That did solve the throat thing, but what about my bum?!!
"How's the pain? do you need some morphine?"
Hmmm, morphine. I wonder if it's as good as the songs make it out. "yeah..." I blurted. After some time I felt something cold go up my left arm and this sudden intense itch all over it as well. So it DOES make you itch, Pink was right.
The pain was getting better, and the itch disappeared.
Finally managing to open my eyes fully (they get real heavy for some reason) I saw that this part of heaven was called "Post-op recovery" and there were two angel nurses around (well one angel, the other was a far-eastern looking man in white. The mental hospital team perhaps?)
Soon after I was wheeled back to my ward, where I found a worried-looking old-brother sitting there impatiently.
"Hi" I said. Not sure if he answered that, cause the morphine was also a good sleeping tablet, and that I did. Sleep.
Things got better after that. My bum was feeling better than it had the day before, and I was sent home the next day (Sunday, weekend again!!)
I got some days off work, and big brother stayed around till yesterday. We played alot of gamecube Ace golf, and I lost the tournament. Ofcourse with a stinging bum and a bruised hand, my video game power was significantly reduced.
He, ofcourse, was taking non of that. Dancing around the room he announced "I WON, I WON!"
THIS MEANS WAR!
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